I don’t know who you are.
I was too young to understand.
I was almost a father twice, so I think I might get it. But I don’t.
I don’t understand why this hurts me because I don’t know who you are, but it does.
It just does.
It hurts to know that I don’t know.
It hurts to know that I’ll never know.
I hope my tears that I’ve cried these last several weeks; I hope the blood that has left my body; I hope the voice that leaves my mouth all create a path to you.
Someday, one day, living or dead, we will meet again.
We will meet again.
I never knew his first name..
No one person can understand how lonely you can truly be until they themselves walk into a room full of people and feel like they are alone. You can have a couple good people who care for you but when you literally have nothing after that, life seems like a complete waste.
I don’t have anything. No family. Few friends. No job. No future. I haven’t eaten in days but I lie and say I have. I’m tired of tryin to be ok while she’s out doin god knows what with whoever knows. It hurts so much to just get outta bed. I’m tired. I’m tired of goin through the motions of life and I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of being alive. I’m tired. I’m tired of doing this every time. I’m tired! I had a plan to end my life just over 2 months ago, and would have succeeded had I not been so stupid. This time I won’t fail. So I guess this here is my suicide note. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough. The pain just isn’t worth living through anymore.
By this time next week I won’t be here. If anyone asks why I did this, tell them to ask the people who’ve broken someone’s heart. I’m not doin this impulsively. I just know there’s no way out. Stay blessed guys. Each and every one of you deserve the best. I love you guys with all my heart. Here on earth or up in the clouds, I promise to guide you through this life. No matter where you are, I will always be there. I promise.
Please, don’t be angry with me. Just know that I held on as long as I could. I couldn’t hold on any longer. Thank you for being part of my life. It was an honour to be part of yours.
I’m afraid of nothing, but at the same time I’m afraid of being afraid of nothing.
I’m afraid of my own shadow.
I’m afraid I’ll never be anything.
I’m afraid my motivation to be anything at all will soon come to an end.
I’m afraid of change.
I’m afraid of being nothing.
I’m afraid of never being good enough.
I’m afraid of dying.
I’m afraid of never being remembered.
I’m afraid because in 24 years I’m no better than when I was 20 years ago.
I’m afraid because the first cut was definitely not the last.
I’m afraid because the first drink turned into glass after glass.
I’m afraid because I can’t pass; school, life, any type of test.
I’m afraid because I can’t reach “good enough” even with my best.
I’m afraid because I cry.
We’ve come to the end of my blog. I never thought I’d be sayin this but it’s true. I’ll leave it up for everyone to see jus how far I’ve come from where I started but it’s finally over. I have nothing left to blog about. That’s why this is ending. I don’t really know how much of you pay attention to my blog but I think we knew this day would come. It almost came about a year and a half ago, but I’ve accomplished everything I wanted to here. I honestly don’t know how to thank you guys who talked to me, the ones who followed me, and all of you who were there for me. I think I know how to do this though.
Good or bad, each and every one of you taught me something valuable that I’ll be able to keep with me for the rest of my life.
First off, I gotta thank mystoryyourbook for encouraging me to enter the online world of Tumblr. It’s funny cuz I always thought this site was horrible. Anyway … If it wasn’t for you, none of this would’ve been possible. I’m grateful.
Next, I gotta thank brittle-like-butterfly-bones and neverceasingtides cuz jus lookin at your blogs … I love it. It’s all real stuff and I’ve seen life so much differently from jus browsing your blogs. Never let the anons get to you BB. And keep gettin better Elli. I can’t imagine what you’re goin through but you’ll make it. I know you will.
Next is for allieeebabyyy, you sexy beast! I hope my Giants and your Cowboys meet in the playoffs some time soon. We will see who the superior team is! :) and forget those Romo haters. We know how good he is. Don’t worry.
This one’s for innocencexisxlove. Stay strong. I notice you. It may not seem like it but I do. I promise to be there for you more like I said I would be.
And this one’s big. … and I mean BIG!!! I gotta give thanks to the beautiful its-not-the-right-thing-baby. I’ll still never forget what you did for me that night. I had “friends” in the city that were unwilling to help out and you did. I seriously can’t say thank you enough. I still owe you that tea. I did not forget. Let’s do it soon, yeh?
And this one’s for asphyxiante, the-gothic-hippie, and mindover-madness. You taught me how to be there for myself after being told you would be right there with me. It sucks, yes, but I learned nonetheless.
I can’t forget you meltedw0rds. You doing the Valentine’s Day project was amazing. I hope you do it next year too.
And this one’s for my #1 fakes aching-and-scarred, love-is-laughter, Becky, and dogswilleatdogs. I may not like either of you, but you 4 taught me something so important that I should probably give you a medal, and I ain’t being sarcastic either. You taught me that you can be as good as you could possibly be to people, but they’ll still treat you the same way they ask not to be treated. If it weren’t for you ladies, I never woulda learned this, and it’s so important for people to know that this can happen to them. Learning from others’ bad actions is a horrible way to learn but it’s still learning, so thank you. Keep teaching. Just change your delivery. You might hurt someone pretty bad one day.
And last but not least, wonderland-is-a-step-away, fakeit-tilyou-becomeit, and moshing-withthe-bands. I love you 3 more than words can express. We’ve had great moments and rough moments but we’ve always made it through.
I may not have been able to get to all of you but you’ve made this a great experience. Every single one of you, so thank you. From the bottom of my heart, than you.
Goodbye for now, Tumblr.
No caption needed
In this life we’ll lose ourselves 1000 times and counting.
We’ll lose ourselves when we fall in love.
We’ll lose ourselves in addiction.
We’ll lose ourselves in depression.
We lose ourselves all the time. Sometimes it’s good to lose yourself, like when you lose yourself in the moment. But let’s focus on depression this time.
It’s hard to find yourself once you’re lost in it. Sometimes people help pull us out; other times it’s too late. As long as you’re alive, it’s never too late.
There’s a time where it becomes dangerous though. Depressed or not, compliments are compliments and should be taken as such and not as insults.
But maybe I’m wrong to help people. Maybe I chose the wrong profession. Maybe I’m wrong to wanna help the ones who suffer from depression that come here to escape.
I lost myself in it.
I’ve lost myself in the idea that I really wanted to make a difference.
I have my own depression to deal with.
This isn’t good. I’m lost and I don’t think I can be found.